Crazy

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 How crazy one can be?

I'm not the crazy type. I'm fun but no crazily fun. I'm adventurous but not that extreme. You know? Like in the middle type person. I wear my heart at my sleeves but I'm not considering myself as extrovert. There is a fine line where I fall in the middle in most of everything.

As much as I feel wiser and calmer in my 40s, I tend to be super crazy when it comes to my kids. Not crazily good. But the crazy insane giving me high blood pressure - in parenting. Especially now that the first one is in her teens. Oh-my-gosh. I-just-can-not. 

Sometimes I don't know if I fit to be a parent. If you know what I meant. The emotional turmoil is so real.

So, I am typically chill and laid back mom. I cook, I clean, I play, I talk to my kids bla bla bla the normal drill. But last night I lost it.

I cannot handle how moody a teenager can be, or rude. That's my pet peeves. So after picking up my teen girl, we have back and forth argument in the car about her attitude. It was a 10mins ride, so yeah, it's kinda heated. After we arrived home, she went inside, and I'm still in the car being so angry, so scornful, sooo loss at words, so I ramp my own house with the car. 

.......

What's wrong with you woman?

It wasn't a BIG crash, because obviously I put brake on my pedal. But, the fact that I wasn't feel bad, I mean, I still want to ramp again and again after that big thud. But then, I stopped and control myself because I know I will break my car if I just follow my anger and that will cost money, so it's a no. Haha.

See, that's the thing that bothers me. I didn't stop because it's plain wrong. But I stopped because I don't want to mess my car. I don't want to pay for the repair. And the fact that I had a moment of few seconds to think before I did this stupid stunt, and I still did it instead of calming down. That's pure arrogance and ego. Oh Allah please forgive me :(

The porch kinda messed up. The number plate breaks a little. Nothing broken, or dented.

Husband came back late from office and I'm too scared to tell him. I tell him every mishap I did especially when it's involving kids even though it's my fault. That's how we roll. But now, I'm scared. But here I am, telling the world. Maybe you can tell him? I'm not scared of him being mad at me for being such crazy mom. I just don't want to worry or stress him up after long day from the office. Still finding right time to tell. But you know what always happen right? The longer you wait the harder and messier it will be. Hmmm...maybe I just don't tell at all and wait until he saw the car plate and ask what happen.

So...how crazy one can be? I hate being this crazy mommy. This insane uncontrollable temper. After all, I am a fully function adult with grounded belief and faith and 41years old! I can understand if a meltdown coming from a 4 year old, but me an old lady? Sigh. 

And my teen girl? She act like nothing happen. She just don't care that I pull the stunt and think I'm just crazy instead of being apologetic or scared, or something? I don't know! We just don't talk now. In other word, my meltdown cost my car but didn't help a thing with me and my girl. My stunt is a total useless and pointless. 

My utmost struggle.