Delulu

 

Have you ever heard the word of delulu?

I first heard of it from my teen girl. Then I saw few vids came across my TikTok. Then I started to dig further haha.

So basically it's a slang for delusional. But it's more than that. It's self-aware delusional. Like, you know you are being delusional, but you entertain it, being goofy and silly about it.

It's like I'm being delusional that Brad Pitt has a crush over me, and I kinda believe it, complete with showing proof to the world that Brad Pitt sent me a crazy love letters, signed "forever yours, Brad Pitt" (which I wrote myself of course).

To...that...extend.

I'm not sure should I be worry or laugh about this thing? Though obviously laughing would be my first instinct. Cause it's so silly., and kinda funny. But diving deeper, this is another deep rooted psychological thingy? Like, why kids nowadays like to be delulu? It seems fun and harmless but you are floating and looping somewhere, instead of focusing on what is real. Like, studying and doing house chores. The energy spent on being delulu seems wasteful.

And there is this "delulu is the solulu" which directly translated to "being delusional is the solution". And how they think it's the solution because being delulu is like you are manifesting things that you wanted. And by manifesting it, somehow it will become a reality. I don't know how this will work, really. Maybe the concept is, when you manifest, you are pulling all the energy in this world to make it comes true.

So, there is this trend in TikTok where the girls will parade their love story. How the boyfriend splurge them with gifts, vacation, money, wine and dine, car - all the luxurious you could think of. There will be pictures, video, the girl with the material except for the boyfriend's face of course, cause none of them are true. Basically, they are manifesting their dream boyfriend. The irony though, I just saw this trend in girls TikTok. I haven't seen any male manifesting the "dream" girlfriends. 

By the way, maybe I don't manifest hard enough on how Brad Pitt loving me. It might be true who knows! Side note, I don't even like Brad Pitt. It seems like popular choices haha.

But on serious note,  seriously girls. Manifesting something means you have to work for it. You want success, you have to work for it. It's not the other way around. Being delulu is like angan-angan mat Jenin (if this generation ever know what is it). You just dreaming on top of coconut tree (cause that's the highest you could climb) and wishing for it to happen, except it won't happen and you gonna fall to earth.

Crazy

Image googled

 How crazy one can be?

I'm not the crazy type. I'm fun but no crazily fun. I'm adventurous but not that extreme. You know? Like in the middle type person. I wear my heart at my sleeves but I'm not considering myself as extrovert. There is a fine line where I fall in the middle in most of everything.

As much as I feel wiser and calmer in my 40s, I tend to be super crazy when it comes to my kids. Not crazily good. But the crazy insane giving me high blood pressure - in parenting. Especially now that the first one is in her teens. Oh-my-gosh. I-just-can-not. 

Sometimes I don't know if I fit to be a parent. If you know what I meant. The emotional turmoil is so real.

So, I am typically chill and laid back mom. I cook, I clean, I play, I talk to my kids bla bla bla the normal drill. But last night I lost it.

I cannot handle how moody a teenager can be, or rude. That's my pet peeves. So after picking up my teen girl, we have back and forth argument in the car about her attitude. It was a 10mins ride, so yeah, it's kinda heated. After we arrived home, she went inside, and I'm still in the car being so angry, so scornful, sooo loss at words, so I ramp my own house with the car. 

.......

What's wrong with you woman?

It wasn't a BIG crash, because obviously I put brake on my pedal. But, the fact that I wasn't feel bad, I mean, I still want to ramp again and again after that big thud. But then, I stopped and control myself because I know I will break my car if I just follow my anger and that will cost money, so it's a no. Haha.

See, that's the thing that bothers me. I didn't stop because it's plain wrong. But I stopped because I don't want to mess my car. I don't want to pay for the repair. And the fact that I had a moment of few seconds to think before I did this stupid stunt, and I still did it instead of calming down. That's pure arrogance and ego. Oh Allah please forgive me :(

The porch kinda messed up. The number plate breaks a little. Nothing broken, or dented.

Husband came back late from office and I'm too scared to tell him. I tell him every mishap I did especially when it's involving kids even though it's my fault. That's how we roll. But now, I'm scared. But here I am, telling the world. Maybe you can tell him? I'm not scared of him being mad at me for being such crazy mom. I just don't want to worry or stress him up after long day from the office. Still finding right time to tell. But you know what always happen right? The longer you wait the harder and messier it will be. Hmmm...maybe I just don't tell at all and wait until he saw the car plate and ask what happen.

So...how crazy one can be? I hate being this crazy mommy. This insane uncontrollable temper. After all, I am a fully function adult with grounded belief and faith and 41years old! I can understand if a meltdown coming from a 4 year old, but me an old lady? Sigh. 

And my teen girl? She act like nothing happen. She just don't care that I pull the stunt and think I'm just crazy instead of being apologetic or scared, or something? I don't know! We just don't talk now. In other word, my meltdown cost my car but didn't help a thing with me and my girl. My stunt is a total useless and pointless. 

My utmost struggle.

Hello 2024

 I'm feeling whimsical.

The last time I wrote here was in 2015, so that makes it like million years ago?

I had a moment where I was for sure wanting to close this blog for good, and giving it a proper goodbye. But then, I hesitated because deep down I still journaling bits here and there on other social media platform. And subconsciously in my mind especially when I couldn't sleep. Or if I had so many things to say but it wasn't say out loud. Yes, I wrote in my mind, hoping that somehow it will by written here.

So there..that's how I know I am not ready to close this blog.

To cut it short, I'm gonna recap few major events that happen in my life before I move on writing like this space is never being abandoned. 

1) I have 2 additional girls (on top of the twos haha!) so that makes me a mom with 4 kids. Insane I know. I thought I'm gonna stop at 2 cause a couple of boy and girl seems perfect.

2) I quit my corporate job 7 years ago and that makes me a fulltime housewife. Never in my life I imagine I would be "not-working" but I've been loving it and not planning on going back to work. Although of course there is a rollercoaster emotion going on with not working (after so long working, you know?) like financial independence, boredomness, staying home dilemma, etc. Well, that's part of growth and I already make peace with it.

3) My youngest one is 2yo now and I'm already 41yo, which makes me feel like super-old mommy. It's super tiring to go through all the process again at this age - handling toddler, breastfeeding, changing diaper etc.

4) Still pretty much married and grateful for everything.

5) Have small business (or rather say money-bleeding hobby?) which is machine embroidery at @craftbeecrazy where I do machine embroidery handmade items. I won't say my stuff is super cheap, but it's not expensive either. Just something to make me think other than housework and kids, where I could have creative space and grow. It's super slow, definitely not paying bills, but it adds to my happiness bucket, which is important - cheaper than therapy session I guess. Ha!

6) I keep my circle small now. Have few close friends to keep me grounded and stay sane. 

And back to writing...

So, with the years gap, my style of thinking definitely changed (I hope to the better though). I read few my previous post when I was younger and couldn't help to feel "cringey", like, who was this woman? Sooooo.... ughhhhh!! Lost words. But everybody used to be young once. There were times when we do stupid things, or just make mistakes. As much as I wanted to erase all the silly moments, there are some beneficial one, especially where I shared about my firstborn Nephrotic Syndrome. Over the years I had some enquiry about it, so I hope it will glimmer some hope and helps to those needed. Yes, she's still here, free from the disease, Alhamdulillah. But nothing is certain is this world, so I'm still tip-toeing on every blessing. So yeah, there are bad and good posts, I think I just want to leave them as they are.

But moving forward, I am pretty much different now? Calmer and wiser perhaps? (I hope!) And my content will slightly move towards that direction as well. This gonna be a safe place for me where I can construct my thought into words and it kinda help my brain to exercise, and staying true to myself. May this journaling become beneficial to me and you. InsyaAllah!

Till then. See you later. I hope not in another 10years. Haha. Not funny I know. I miss you blog!